The Bastard King Of England
Oh, the [C]minstrels
sing of an English king of many long years ago,
Who [G7]ruled
his land with an iron hand though his [C]mind
was weak and low.
He loved to hunt the bounding stag, out in the
verdant wood,
But his favourite a-[G7]musement
was just [C]pulling the royal pud.
[chorus] He was [F]dirty
and lousy and full of fleas
And his [C]terrible
tool hung to his [G7]knees.
[C]God [Am]bless
the [Em]Bastard [Am]king
of [D7]Eng[C]land.
Oh, the [C]Queen
of Spain was an amorous Jane, a lascivious wench was she,
Who [G7]longed
to fool with the royal tool, but was [C]far
across the sea.
So she sent a special message by a special
messenger,
In which she did in-[G7]vite
the king to [C]spend a night in her.
When [C]Philip
of France was told this news he swore unto his court,
“The [G7]Queen
prefers my rival just be-[C]cause my tool
is short.”
So he sent the Duke of Zippity-Zap to slip the
queen a dose of clap
To pass it on to the [G7]Bastard
King of [C]England.
Now [C]when
his spies informed the king, he stalked the royal halls,
And [G7]then
he swore by the shirt he wore, he'd [C]have
the Frenchman’s balls.
So he offered half his kingdom, and a piece of
Queen Hortense,
To any loyal [G7]Englishman
who’d [C]geld the King of France.
So the [C]Duke
of Sussex mounted his horse and straightway rode to France.
Where he [G7]swore
he was a poofter and the [C]Frenchman
dropped his pants.
And the Duke slipped a thong on His Majesty’s
dong, jumped on his horse and galloped along,
And dragged him to the [G7]Bastard
King of [C]England.
When the [C]Bastard
saw this eerie sight he puked all over the floor,
For [G7]during
the ride the Frenchman’s pride had [C]stretched
a yard or more.
And all the girls of London town cried: “Give
the Frenchman the British crown.”
And [G7]“Down
with the Bastard King of [C]England.”
So [F]Philip
of France usurped the throne
His [C]scepter
was the royal [G7]bone
With [C]which
he [Am]ditched the [Em]Bastard
[Am]King of [D7]Eng[C]land
[chorus] He was [F]dirty
and lousy and full of fleas
And his [C]terrible
tool hung to his [G7]knees.
[C]God [Am]bless
the [Em]Bastard [Am]king
of [D7]Eng[C]land.