The Bastard King Of England


Oh, the [C]minstrels sing of an English king of many long years ago,
Who [G7]ruled his land with an iron hand though his [C]mind was weak and low.
He loved to hunt the bounding stag, out in the verdant wood,
But his favourite a-[G7]musement  was just [C]pulling the royal pud. 

[chorus] He was [F]dirty and lousy and full of fleas
             And his [C]terrible tool hung to his [G7]knees.
             [C]God [Am]bless the [Em]Bastard [Am]king of [D7]Eng[C]land. 

Oh, the [C]Queen of Spain was an amorous Jane, a lascivious wench was she,
Who [G7]longed to fool with the royal tool,  but was [C]far across the sea.
So she sent a special message by a special messenger,
In which she did  in-[G7]vite the king to [C]spend a night in her. 


When [C]Philip of France was told this news he swore unto his court,
“The [G7]Queen  prefers my rival just be-[C]cause my tool is short.”
So he sent the Duke of Zippity-Zap to slip the queen a dose of clap
To pass it on to the [G7]Bastard King of [C]England. 


Now [C]when his spies informed the king, he stalked the royal halls,
And [G7]then he swore by the shirt he wore, he'd [C]have the Frenchman’s balls.
So he offered half his kingdom, and a piece of Queen Hortense,
To any loyal [G7]Englishman who’d [C]geld the King of France. 


So the [C]Duke of Sussex mounted his horse and straightway rode to France.
Where he [G7]swore he was a poofter and the [C]Frenchman dropped his pants.
And the Duke slipped a thong on His Majesty’s dong, jumped on his horse and galloped along,
And dragged him to the [G7]Bastard King of [C]England. 


When the [C]Bastard saw this eerie sight he puked all over the floor,
For [G7]during the ride the Frenchman’s pride had [C]stretched a yard or more.
And all the girls of London town cried: “Give the Frenchman the British crown.”
And [G7]“Down with the Bastard King of [C]England.” 

So [F]Philip of France usurped the throne
His [C]scepter was the royal [G7]bone
With [C]which he [Am]ditched the [Em]Bastard [Am]King of [D7]Eng[C]land 

[chorus] He was [F]dirty and lousy and full of fleas
             And his [C]terrible tool hung to his [G7]knees.
            [C]God [Am]bless the [Em]Bastard [Am]king of [D7]Eng[C]land.


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